Tired, corker of a headache but I put off bed. I find lying in bed hard at these manic times, the drugs help me sleep - eventually - but the thoughts in my head going a million miles per hour it seems, and so complicated, great ideas, artistic ventures, some of them really good I know. They would work even f I wasn't manic - but the depression that will soon follow the mania will stop them happening. Being alone with my crazy thoughts - not good. Being awake, alone and doing stuff - much better.
Also lying awake - that's when my suicidal fantasy intensifies - too boring to go into. But tempting.
I really want to be totally alone for a few weeks so I can do arty stuff.. I share a house. This is good, and not good. I want TOTAL privacy. I don't want anyone to know when I'm awake or what I might be doing. I may feel like painting, writing or playing piano at 3am. I can't do it because I might worry the person I live with that I'm really sick again. My piano playing when I'm manic is not what one would call accessible music. Although I love playing it. Sharing a premises stifles my creativity, but also keeps me in check. I'd probably be permanently disabled and claiming a pension if I lived on my own (by now) and I would hate that too. Compromise. Mental health. Fuck.
My cat is chucking a tantrum, he wants me to come to bed. At least I'm desirable.
No comments:
Post a Comment