Stephen Fry - encore!

Today, still having thoughts of suicide, yet also thinking I  would give up my job and home to spend the rest my life as Stephen Fry's housekeeper.

I don't have a crush in the physical sense (we're not on the same team for starters).  I'm in  love with his rather massive vocabulary, his huge wit, his divine use of language, his ethics, and  his compassion.

He left us with some wisdom from another hero of mine, Oscar Wilde, which resonated deeply.  I now feel free of of the guilt I've had for ever.  Guilt about not ever having made up my mind about what I want to be, and what I want to do. I have carried that shame for eternity.  

Now I'm free.  Hooray!

I have lost that huge burdensome guilt, simply because someone, who is most certainly smarter than I am, has given me permission.  I love you Mr Fry.  Please keep sharing what's in that brain of yours.

Stephen Fry

Today I am supposed to attend an evening with Stephen Fry who also apparently is Bi Polar too.  I saw him talking about it in his documentary.  He doesn't take drugs for it, he said. which made me think he must have the less extreme type of Bi Polar, lucky bastard.  You could not survive my mind, without drugs.  You'd end up in an institution for the criminally insane, or you'd be dead.  Or just in regular prison..  I guess if you were very rich and didn't take your meds you could survive but you'd need 24/7 minders.

Today from mid morning until almost six pm I have been feeling very down, and suicidal.  I decided I didn't want to go see Mr Fry, even though I had been looking forward to it for weeks.  I even queued for tickets - on the phone that is.  But I rang as at 8.57, 8.5.8 and 8.59 a.m. the first day they were on sale just t ensure I got tix.  I have been ecstatic about seeing him live.  I have always been in love with his brain.

Mr Fry has a Blog too - he has millions of followers.  Here's his blog link:

http://www.stephenfry.com/blog/#more-19

But earlier I started feeling like I couldn't go.  I felt really down, suicidal.  Really deeply so.

Then I wondered about my meds?  Had I taken everything?  I checked my dispenser.  Nope - forgot the Lex.  No wonder I was down.

Those chemicals, they matter.

Anxiety Schmiety

Had so many anxiety attacks today it was silly.  Had to do yoga breathing on a long train journey both ways and take 3 Valiums today just to get through the day.

Went to a beach far down the coast which was exhilarating, blue winter sky and  no one was on it, 'cept me. My beach.  My sea. My aloneness.  Divine.

I am shouting words that come from who knows where.  Tonight: "stab your heart!" come forth, loudly, as I knitted on the couch and thought about the day. It came out a few times.  Is this a form of tourettes?

Old memories haunt me, they are like a re-occurring nasty infection that flares up suddenly, making me sick to my stomach.  Recalled some nastiness from childhood that made me feel shivers.

I want my shrink with me all the time at the moment.  I am tearful, then happy.  My confidence is on a roller coaster.

I spent nearly $200 changing my hair colour earlier tonight, so at least I look fabulous!  Perhaps I may fool everyone tomorrow at work!

Colin Hopkins pianist, composer, and potter

Colin Hopkins is an extremely interesting artist.  His original music is inspiring, lately he's recorded mostly solo piano. I find his music deeply moving, and funny, and danceable.

He trained as an architect, and studied music at the VCA when he was younger and now he's making exquisite pottery too.

He is renowned for occasional acts of extreme naughtiness among the art world,  for example, he was forced  to write letters apologising to VIPs to avoid losing his house.  His naughtiness is worth writing about, and I may do that one day.

I caught him playing at Bennetts Lane, a jazz club in Melbourne,  with Nadje Noordhuis, a NYC based artist who plays trumpet and flugelhorn.    The gig reminded me how marvellous a musician Hopkins is.  Here's a link to his website:

Colin Hopkins

Or check out this original piano piece on youtube Colin Hopkins

Hearing him play live on Sunday night made me feel more alive and happy than I have felt for a very long time.

Crazy Meds Blues in E flat

Oh, I woke up this morning, shoved some pills into my mouth,

Oh, I swallowed them with water, then put some more into my mouth,

Had a cup of tea and and another pill, just so I could leave the house.

Oh, I've turned into a zombie!

These meds have turned my brain to mush,

I've got the brain of a zombie!

Meds will turn your brain to slush!

I'm gonna see my shrink on Tuesday,


and I tell you that's not soon enough!.

(Coda)

No, no, no that's not soon enough! Oh yeah.

Confidence nose dive

Yes, apparently my self-esteem and confidence has taken a down turn.  Rather like the Greek economy.

It will improve but my shrink was surprised when I saw her. She asked me where I'd gone.

I feel a bit scared that perhaps I will have another massive psychotic episode where you spend a long time in a looney bin with other crazy people, who make no sense and make you crazier because they are all crazy too.  They put you on drugs that turn you into a zombie, and then half your buddies that you like decide never to speak to you again cos they can't deal with mental illness.

I am having anxiety attacks too. They suck.

Just writing this makes me cry. No wonder I'm down. I'll come back up.  Eventually.

The Art of Ron Meerbeek

My most favourite living artist (the kind who paints, draws and does other stuff you look at) is a guy living in Brixton, London SW9, named Ron Meerbeek.  He grew up in Geelong which is a place about an hour away from Melbourne, where I now live.  I think he’s been based in the UK since around 1980.

Meerbeek’s work is very clever, often humorous, complex, and I love it!  

This work is entitled God Fucks Dog.  

Meerbeek has a dog he is besotted with.  

I’ve been collecting prints of his drawings for years.  They are, as I mentioned, often funny, always intricate, meticulous, naughty, and fascinating.  His drawings are a bit like an interesting orchestra, they often have lots of little clever things going on, that upon repeated viewings, you discover make up the whole. 

I feel if he'd been a composer Meerbeek would have been at the more bizarre (i.e. interesting) end, like the best work of Charles Ives.

Ron Meerbeek’s paintings are remarkable too.  He is mad for sure.  Like his drawings, they are often witty, sometimes grotesque, sometimes pretty, sometimes all three.  At times cartoonesque (is that a word?) too, but, I believe his work is more fun than that type of art.  I think, a million times more fascinating than Roy Lichtenstein for example.  Meerbeek’s work doesn’t cost as much as Mr. L’s does.  Yet.

I now own four original works by Meerbeek, three from his shoe painting series. They are small works but very clever with a healthy tiny dose of misogyny.  What genius male painter doesn’t have that, I ask you?

I never tire of looking at my shoe paintings; the one that looks like a hairy cunt is the funniest.

Blogging frustrations

I wrote heaps yesterday and lost it when something went wrong online.  I hate it when that happens.  Bloggers beware - perhaps better to write in another program and cut and paste. I do live in Australia where our broadband access is about up to 1999 standards compared with places like Finland or India.

Mad Woman Car Park Screech Fiasco

Coles (supermarket) car park in Balaclava is a place like no other.  Drivers in the main drag (Carlisle street) have no rules.  The same applies to Coles car park. 

Our little community of St Kilda East/Balaclava has, over the past five years, increased hugely in popularity.  The tourists who once frequented St Kilda now hang in Balaclava, this despite the deadly threat of the Carlisle Street driver.  

Many elderly immigrants living in the area, who are short (not that there is anything wrong with that) can't see much past the steering wheel.  Sometimes their manners are somewhat lacking when attempting to 'get that car park first!'. Combine that with rude, impatient, Y gen with massive SUVs;  do you, get my drift?  The overcrowded car park could possibly be renamed 'Aggression Central'.  Beeping at somebody for a nano second's hesitation is common.  It annoys the fuck out of me. I hate rude people.  Yet I am a hypocrite, as you are soon to discover, dear reader.

Today, as I was walked towards Coles, in my manic state, an elderly, short lady in her car made the unwise decision to beep at me, so she could drive past faster.  I was but five yards from the front door of the supermarket. 

I channelled Mike Tyson, spun round, walked up to her window and screeched in her face: "WHAT?  WHAT? WHAT!  THIS. PLACE. IS. FOR. PEDESTRIANS. TOO!"  


I have a very loud voice. I am a large woman, and, I screech from my diaphragm.  


I doubt that lady will ever beep again. I feel a bit mean, but she was rude first.

C'est la vie!

South Park vs SlumDog Millionaire

Middle aged lady (MAL) goes up to the counter of Video Vision, Carlisle Street and says: "I'd like to take these DVDs out please.  Oh, and I found this film 'Slumdog Millionaire' in Comedy, I was going to put it back in drama but it has a comedy sticker on it, you might want to change that. I also owe you for 30 Rock cos I brought it back late."

Spotty twenty-something film nerd (STSFN) says, without a hint of irony: "Yeah ,that's right, comedy!"

Taken aback, the MAL says in shock: "What? You think pouring boiling oil into the eyes of children is comedy?"


STSFN snaps: "Yep!" maintaining venomous eye contact with MAL all the while.

MAL: "But, this film shows people being tortured by having electrodes attached to their testicles!


"STSFN: "Yep, comedy".


Another young guy, with brains (YGWB) behind the counter jumps in with: "Oh, we have so many copies of this film, we put it in every section, it's even in the Australian section!" YGWB clearly embarrassed by STSFN's insensitivity and trying, honourably, to lighten the situation..


MAL: "I just thought, if someone took it out as a comedy  - they might get traumatized by it."


STSFN continuing to be annoyed, spits out sarcastically: "And yet, it has a BIG song and dance number at the end!"

"Whatever! I do what I want!"

STSFN charges MAL for her films. MAL has to remind him about 30 Rock. 

MAL: "30 Rock, I still have to pay you for that.  That's a comedy.   I don't need a bag."

"STSFN " That'll be $19.50. Thank you."

MAL: "Yeah... er, thanks."

MAL: (mutters as leaving the store) "Some people are so weird - was that just an episode of South Park?"

Naked Ethiopian and Argyle socks

I slept - boy did I sleep, I slept for 11 hours.  With the help of some drugs, but that's a very good thing.  Turning off one's brain when manic is a good thing. Thanks for modern drugs.

I feel truly privileged to be able to access medication.  Whenever I am manic I am reminded of an incident that occurred when I was working in northern Ethiopia.  I was walking around the town of Makele with some colleagues.  It was a war zone then but nothing was happening really in terms of fighting at that time.   We came across a woman walking in the middle of the road who was attracting a lot of attention.  She was naked except for her Argyle socks.  Makele in Tigray isn;t the kind of place where you see bare breasted African women.  That part of Ethiopia has a tradition of orthodox Christianity going back longer than many European countries.  She had heavy blue metallic eyeshadow on. She was young, I guessed no more than 20 years old.

Women in that part of Ethiopia didn't wear that kind of makeup then.  I remember wondering where she obtained metallic blue eyeshadow.  Strange what goes through your mind at the oddest of times.   She was shouting out something in Tigrayan, a language that I only know two phrases in.  She kept kissing the road while local people were laughing at her - she yelled at them..  Then a lorry load of soldiers came out of nowhere and she ran after them - they laughed at her too.  After they drove away she started to follow us.  I wanted to give her my jacket and help cover her up,  but my two companions insisted that we do what the locals did and just ignore her.  To this day I remember her and wonder how she'd be if she had access to the same medical facilities as I do. I feel bad that I did nothing to help her.   I wondered where she got her Argyle socks from too.

Legacy of wars make people crazy, so many wars in our planet's history. There are a lot of crazy people in the world maybe that's where it all stems from.