Faster pussy cat, kill kill

I think I'm well and then I'm not.  I have mini epidisodes - like this afternoon, today.  I remember trying to explain the feeling to a pianist I once worked with.  I told him: "It's like riding something, going faster and faster and you're holding on so tight - but there's no fun in that feeling, it's just an intense feeling of mania - my brain is racing, I find myself so easily distracted, I'm panicking it's extreme anxiety and restlessness all at the same time." That's just one aspect of mania.  Then there's the fun bit.

"Faster pussy cat, kill kill."  I loved this movie - it is so ridiculous.  I once performed at the Scala cinema in London in the late 1980s - all the band members wore all white , they projected this movie on to us and the screen behind us.  It was fun.

I think I need to go into hospital (for probably three months).  I've spoken with my shrink about it but if I let go completely, which is what I really feel I need to do, then I risk my job, my home, and the stress on the family of my being sick. They know I am ill, but they have no idea how ill.  I'm hearing voices, having conversations, with others who are inside me.  Apparently that's quite common these days in people who have suffered trauma.  Well, tell me who hasn't suffered trauma?  My shrink says I'm really hard on myself.  When I tell her things that happened to me, sometimes she looks so sad.  I feel numb about most of the things that happened to me that apparently led to my illness being much worse than it could have been.  Something to do with the brain's development and children who suffered sexual or other abuse.

I'm working on a lot of very heavy stuff with my shrink at the moment.  I wondered if I should cancel my overseas trip - I'm travelling for a month.  I feel getting away from the ghastly stress of work will do me good, but I'm a bit scarred that I'm not well enough to travel.  I know the work stress is making me manic - causing a lot of it.  Very hard to deal with.  Very hard pretending I do not have a mental illness.  I wish there was no stigma about it any more.

I doubt if that stigma will end in my lifetime. No wonder people kill themselves.  Faster pussy cat, kill kill.  Maybe Russ Meyer was Bi Polar.